I live in my head more than I do in real life.
For a person with a non-existent social life, it is only right that I spend a chunk of my time living in my head.
Do I hate it?
Well, maybe I do sometimes.
It is sort-of a love-hate situation.
As much as I have tried to nudge myself to make friends, more visible to the outside world and just do what every person my age does, it just doesn’t work out.
It feels like for every step I take to building a social life, I got pushed two steps backward.
Note, the only reason I do not feel bad in this present state is because I have spent more than half my life like this.
Yes. Half. My. Life.
You see, when I was younger, I only remember to be around little boys and girls my age. Honestly, I do not remember so much details about those days, but, I knew it was fun.
So much fun that I have scars to remind me of that.
But, something changed.
Something I haven’t been able to decipher myself.
It was something strange.
That was the beginning of the new being I transformed into.
Let me paint a picture for you.
I use to be like a puppy. Happy, lively, running around the field, wagging my tail and too busy licking the faces of my loved ones.
Then, it strikes.
And I became that old unmotivated tortoise. Always in his shell. Constantly sulking about life. Slow at things — and only walks alone.
I cringe at the sight of crowd. I enjoy my space alot that I make sure to do anything to be alone.
In my head, that’s where all of me lies.
Every part of me.
I do not know how to tell it. I just want you to walk through my mind.
Maybe that way, you would understand better.
I have no idea where this is going.
Maybe someday, I will figure it out.
See you again soon.