I wrote down the title of this note long before I am settled to actually write the body — I hope that gives you an idea of how clueless I am about everything right now.
The time is 18:40 on a Friday evening — one of those Fridays that’s not the regular kind. It’s the festive period and everyone in Lagos seems to be rushing off to one party or another, but here I am, unsurprisingly hopping from one social app to the other, ignoring the heap of work piling on my desk.
Yunno what, let’s start from there. I am tired — to put it mildly. Not physical but mentally. I am so exhausted I can barely bring myself to do anything. When the year had just begun, I was enthusiastic about a lot of things — and as always; I ensured to begin the year as positive as I can. But how well did I stick to it? Can’t really say. However, it’s been a roller coaster all year round and as much as I hate how cliché that might sound, it is just the best way I could describe how much had happened this year.
One thing I do regret is not documenting as much as I did the previous years. I mean, sure, I wasn’t exactly Mr. Consistent when it came to sharing my thoughts or writing stuff down — but this year, I did experience an intense down slope. This goes to show how engaging this year had been.
Okay, I take that back. I wouldn’t deny that the thought of writing never hover in my head for a while. One time when I was extremely happy, I just wanted to immense in it and get soaked in every moment without distraction. I didn’t know what to write about that moment. On the days when it felt as though the heavens were against me, I was too overwhelmed to even think about ranting in my notes. My emotions were everywhere this year. This is not to say I didn’t have the best year. Oh, not even that — I had the most fun. In spite of the fact that I didn’t accomplish 50% of my goals this year, I was involved in a whole lot of big projects that were mind blowing. I would love to talk about every bit of it here but that would be a whole lot of digression and that’s not the intention of this letter. I am clueless and I need help. I think so
Two months ago, I was wearing the most cheerful smile, running from one post to the other with my red, blue and green markers, hustling to sign on the shirts of my fellow course mates and friends and strangers who had just rounded off their final exams in school. In all honesty, I had never felt so much genuine happiness as I did on that day. I had started the day with so much emptiness albeit with a little faux excitement that I was finally writing my final paper in the university. I would have prefer to walk you through the many experiences that led to this point but I had neglected writing for most of the year that I can’t entirely capture the whole experience in one note but I digress again.
After writing my last paper, with so much enthusiasm, I walked outside the hall to the cheerful atmosphere of my colleagues scribbling uncharted letters unto the shirts of each other with so much excitement. I couldn’t help but lean into this. In no time, my sign out shirt was filled with so many names — familiar and unfamiliar ones. I didn’t mind, I was too excited to care about who was signing on my shirt. I had left the house without an idea of how the day was going to pan out but here I was, mid-day, holding a cup of alcohol, amongst my course mates who we had spent the last 5 years together, dancing cheerfully from the loud music playing from the JBL speaker amidst so many shutters of camera and flash lights happening around us.
Now, when I take another look at my sign-out pictures, I am filled with so much excitement as I remember how fulfilled it felt to have walked the academic journey up to that point.
Fast forward to today, it’s been a different phase of life. Earlier this year, all I wanted to do was go hard with school hoping to finish well with good grades and bless God I was able to accomplish that. That phase of life is over and it felt like for a moment that was all I could think about for the longest time.
As much as I can remember, nobody ever tells you about the cluelessness that you exist outside of the university. Or maybe they did and I wasn’t listening. I have gotten so accustomed to the university lifestyle that I have built my life around the schedule and work timeline that the university operates in — in all of that, it felt like I had something going on for me.
Life after university had always been a subject that awakens fright in me but I often console myself that I needed to take life as it comes because over-thinking does little to nothing in helping my situation.
All year, I had been shuffling work and school. I should also put it out there that this year was the first I had consistently sustained a job unlike the previous years when I was on and off jobs as a freelancer.
Working all year had exhausted me. The final lap in school was not the year to relax either. It was a great fight of making money and staying on top of my grades all year round. Now that school is over, work is all I do and it’s been so exhausting.
Considering how crazily I had been worn out by school work, I had hoped to take a break and relax after graduation but what a big lie that was. Here I am, fighting sleep just to meet up deadlines and putting in the best to get the utmost results I desire for my team. One would think this is all that it is to it, but another fallacy. I am torn in-between up-skilling and enlarging my network of contacts because I dream so big and my dreams do not give me room enough to relax. This morning, I had written and cancelled out a pitch multiples times because I wasn’t sure the subject I wanted to reach was going to read it. Okay, I lied there. I do not care whether they read it. I am more scared about the results of them reading it. I am uncertain whether I am ready for that life. In the university, there’s a pattern to how everything works, all we needed to do was follow the rules and guidelines. In the real world, it is so much freedom and there’s no one to tell you whether or not you are ready for a certain level of work. You don’t even know whether you’re up to task. There’s no 100 level to 200 level phase of development. You are either at the top of it or you’re not.
I am clueless. I have no idea what path I intend to ply. This is not to say I do not have a vision. It is merely about being scared but what space I land when I decide to take the flight.
This is probably the most I have written this year and I am beginning to feel worn out. As much as I would love to speak on this stance of my life, I would rather you get into my head and watch everything unfolds.
Right now, I am tired by the many thoughts that flings in my head. I just need a calm atmosphere with nothing to get bothered about. I need peace. I need tranquility. I need to reconnect with myself. I need time to process my own emotions and thoughts. I want away from work and humans generally. I need an entire disconnection from the world to feel connected with myself.
I have no idea how this would work or whether it will at all. But I do know that the next time I will be writing here, I would have made it through this phase of life. Maybe with a bigger and better problem than this. I am clueless
I hope I didn’t bore you with so much talk that you have no business with.
See you in my next rant; or maybe not.
Merry Christmas to you